With that being said- I'm hurting inside tonight. Recently I have thought about entering my sweet little Alexei into some little girl beauty pageants (I will never be like the moms on toddlers and tiaras... Gag me) but just simple pageants. And as weird as this sounds - I'm upset because I can't walk across the stage with Alexei and be the one there for her. I get a lot of stares being a mom in a wheelchair (you wouldn't believe how many I get) I get so many questions about if I can take care of Lexei.... Yes I do say "nick help me with this" , "nick! Alexei crawled up the stairs! I can't reach her!" "nick do this" "nick do that"...... Sounds bossy.... Right? But I want all you able bodied mothers out there to remember how great you have it, as hard as life is it can always get worse, even for me.
I remember the day after my accident waking up to my doctor and mother talking about my condition. If I could have kids, sensation, the ability of still having a "normal" life. And as he stood there and told my mom that I have absolutely zero chance of walking again.... As weird as it sounds-I was at peace. I knew everything would be fine. I LOVED to cheer and dance and tumble. But I wasn't as devastated
as you would think I was. In the hospital I didn't grieve much. I was focused on getting back the movement I have and getting on with my life. And that I did. There's been a night here and there where I lay in bed with tears rolling down my face because I wish with all my heart I could walk. But after 5 minutes of that I think "Autumn he your act together and do something productive instead of laying here feeling sorry for yourself".....
I wish with all my heart I could chase Alexei when she tries to run away and get into things. I wish I could take her on the big toy at the Park. I wish I could walk across the stage at the pageants I'm entering her in. I wish that I could take her to a mommy and me dance class. THIS Is why I wish I could walk. Not for myself, for Alexei.
I'm not one to let my emotions flow like this but I can't help but let all of this out. And what better of a place to do it than my blog and personal journal right?
Right now all I can do is pray for a cure to spinal cord injuries, keep my chin up and take things day by day. I hope as Alexei grows things get easier for me to mentally handle. I hope she understands that it's not because I don't want to do these things, I just physically can't.
I hope I hope I hope.
I'm so thankful that I have such a darling little girl that loves me for the person I am, not my physical appearance.
I love my little Alexei.
Thanks for letting me vent and get some tears out blogger friends :)
